oh my god. so today i go out with miha and i got o sarahs to let my parenst know im there. so then i get yelled at and get told to come home. and miah brings me home. and i call him and hes on jessis aim adn hes talkin to shawn and he tells him jenna is dead and i was like this must be a joke but then i check my caller id... and i see mrs.luby called and so did tasha so i peaced it together and i just lost it. i lost i cut my self so hard and i just cried and cried and i called tasha to see if shawn was just kidding... but he wasnt.. jenna is dead. she died yesterday... in a car accident... goin to see her grandmama. i still cant believe it. i just was basically crying hystarically. i still cant believe it. i mean we where supposed to hang out tomorrow. so i called tasha and we are gunna see each other tomorrow. have sum us time...this cant be happening agian! first geo... then giordano...then tracy...now jenna. i thought by this time it wouldnt hurt to have sumone die... but it hurts just as much as the first time. i cant stop crying i just... i wanted to see her on elast time alive. why didnt she come on wednesday like i asked her to?! why did god let this happen!? stupid god i fuking hate him! Jenna was a good person full of love she never did anything really bad she was a good person why didnt god take me or sumone else?! if i could ask for one thing it would be taek me instead of jenna i have lived my life to the fulest jenna hadnt. it just makes me realize how easy it is to lose your life so why not take it away now? why go through all this pain of losing others when you can jst kill yourself and not see it all happen. for all i know i could die tomorrow i could lose miah he could alize how not of a grat person i am. i could lose all my great friends to death. i just dont think i can handle it anymore. this was the last person i swear i just dont know wat to do with it all. i have so many feelings so many i hurt so much. have you ever felt as if... your heart is just tearing away at you. and your insides are all twisted up and you feel as if your organs are about to burst outta your body yuo hurt so much. well that how i feel and there is only one way to ennd that pain...i just stil cant grasp it its not true jenna is fine she is ok... seh is gunna just walk through my door and say surprise i love you madian! i just cant handle this i just want to go drown my sorrow in a bottle of vodka or maybe sum weed. so my mom asked if i wanted miah to come over and i said yes. so i call miah and asked him to come over. so he did i just saw him and jump on him and cried and cried and he helped me so much. he just held me and said it was ok and he had me and he loved me and he would always be there. omg i didnt think i would ever love anyone this much agian. i think if i lot anyone agian i would completely have a melt down... i truly believe i would kill myself. i dunno.. im glad miah stayed till like one he made me feel so much better. made me laugh... but when he left it just all came back all the pain and sorrow and how muc i love her and how sum of the greatest childhood memories i had wheer with her and tasha. oh how i love tasha with all my heart. so jussy called to ask how i was doin and if he could do anything for me... i said that i just needed sum drinkage and weed. he said that not the way to help and it will just make it worse. so we talked for a long time and he made me feel so much better... he called me a fag hag which is a girl who chills with aotta gay guys. oh how i love my jussy. i dunno wat to do with myself so i started writing sum poems or jenna cuz my dad said i should write a letter to jenna and ask her mom if i could send it with her on her way. (i.e. in her casket.) i thinki will. and i will tell her how much i loved her and how much fun i had with her. i think imma take my miah and jussy to the funereal cuz jussy said he would go to support me cuz his freiend nicole was one of the girls that died in the caves and he wants ti help me through it since he went throuhg it. how i love my jussy. and i wanna bring miah cuz he is the love of my life and i really wanted jenna to meet him... i even wanted her me miah and her bf chris for us to go on a double date. .. so i still here i have no more tears i have cried to much i have cried for about 5 hrs and i just cant cry anymore... i need rest me and tasha are gunna chill and i eed to be up for that. oh how i love my tasha... if iever lost her.. i dont nkow wat i would do. i dont know wat i wuiold do if i lost anyone.. it just shows how you should never be mad at sumone cuz they could just leave... im so glad i told jenna i loved her that day... becuz she was my jenaynay